Beauty and the Beast

Hello everyone!

I pray you all had a blessed Christmas. Today I thought I'd write about something that is a very touchy subject in both secular and Christian culture: a woman's struggle with sexual sin. While the secular world may not view it as sin, most things under the category of sexual sin are considered a "man's problem" or "only men do that". However, I'm here to tell you today that women struggle with it too. I know, because i'm one of the women who does. Let me tell you my (abridged) story. I started viewing pornography when I was a freshman in college. I did what a lot of people do and clicked that pop-up link while surfing the web. Soon, I was sucked into a world of twisted sex and darkness. The more I watched, the better it felt...at least, that's what my brain thought. But my heart felt something VERY different. I started watching lesbian pornography and struggled/struggle with masturbation. Afterwards, I always felt dirty and disgusting. I thought I was letting God down and I was running out of chances to get into heaven. I knew I had asked Jesus into my heart as a child and had been baptized later on, but it all felt like it was done out of fear and I questioned whether or not I was really saved. I let the devil creep into my thoughts and all I could hear was, "you better hurry, not many chances left" or "you've already messed up why not keep going?" or "He doesn't want a dirty, disgusting, broken girl like you." But oh, that was and is all a lie! You see, salvation isn't like one of those coffee cards that you punch and get a free pastry after 10 visits. It's not a homework assignment you can get a grade on. It's not give and take. It's not a loan. It's FREELY GIVEN. When Christ died on the cross over 2,000 years ago, He wasn't doing it for pity or to shame us or to punish us, no, He did it because He LOVES us. He died a horribly excruciating and humiliating death because of that wonderful four letter word. But the love didn't stop there, oh no! He rose from the dead and now sits at the right hand of His Father and He offers salvation to anyone who believes in Him; anyone who wants it. Isn't that amazing? No other gift on this entire earth is really ever truly freely given. But this is. And it's the greatest gift of all! I'm learning so much about Jesus. And i'm learning more about how He SEES me. How much He loves me. How precious and priceless I am to Him. I can't even fathom it because my human brain cannot wrap itself around the concept. But you know, i'm ok with that. Why? Because I don't need to understand it to know it's true. When I asked Jesus into my heart, I was saved. Period. I don't need to keep asking Him into my heart and I cannot lose my salvation and no amount of works I do on this earth guarantees it. Only Christ does that. I still question sometimes. As I said, I still struggle with some things. But I am so happy and grateful to say that I am, as of today, 262 days FREE of porn!!! I never thought I would make it this far to be honest. And I know if Jesus and I can do that, we can do anything! I may struggle for the rest of my life. But I can overcome it with Him. I have a long way to go still but the journey will be all the more beautiful knowing that my Savior is by my side. I can't do this on my own. I'm learning to let go of fear, pride, control, worry, regret, and shame this year. The beast of sin will no longer enslave the beauty He made me to be. My petals will not fall but rather bloom. And that's the best happily ever after I can think of.